Next phrase of Life

Hi guys, I am starting to blog again after months of missing action.
Reasons being I am having so much transitions in life, facing so much dilemma, experiencing the worst things in life, having so much frustration in almost everything.
But not all are bitter.
At least I still have the sweetest memories behind to keep me going..
My life stories will start tmr.

Time flies. 6 months have passed ever since I started my first permanent job after graduation.
And now I have fully understand why working adults always complain that schooling is better.
Yes, I finally agreed with them.( Nodding my head)

Things that I have come to terms with ever since I started working
1) No mistakes are allowed at work. Once you made a mistake, whatever gd impression the boss previously had about you will be ruined.
2)People come and go is very common. I was upset for a week when I learnt that 3 of my colleagues were leaving the company. It affected me quite badly. I even thought of quitting becoz of that.
3) No matter how much you hate or dun like a colleague at work, always smile and try to be friendly. I hate to put up that false front. I REALLY hate that!

I am so depressed, tired and stressed that I decided to take a long break.
I am on leave for 6 days from yest until next thur.
But I feel so insecure that I couldnt relax in peace.
I am so afraid that my colleagues will call me up to go back for ot or for some stupid meeting.
Frens asked me why I apply so many leave.
I replied jokingly that I was clearing my leave coz I am quitting my job soon.
Maybe..It did cross my mind.
I was very unhappy with my job.
..........
I paused for 15 mins.
I duno how to continue after that statement.
So much unhappiness yet no words can describe how I feel.

I did not go online for more than 3 weeks!! Thank god that darling deposited his laptop at my hse for 3 days. Otherwise I duno when I will be checking mail, surfing net, reading blog again. So today I will write a super long entry. Hee. CNY is coming!!! So excited and happy. This is the first time I will be spending my new year eve and 1st day of CNY working. Actually I dun mind that coz every year my CNY is spent at home doing nth. Haha. The only sad thing is that I cant accompany my mum to chinatown on the eve. My dad wont go with my mum coz he hates the crowd. Feb is going to be a relaxed month for me. It will be over very soon. First is CNY, then dar's bdae then V-day then Bintan trip with my dear gals(but I doubt huiya got go and book leh) and lastly Genting trip(going to invest all my ang pow money at the casino) My feb is packed with fun-filled activities. I cant wait for them to come esp the Bintan trip. Need to destress. Last week I bought a swatch watch for darling as bdae gift. I had a hard time deciding which watch to buy coz of my budget. And I realised I am a fickle-minded person. When I hv decided to buy the watch, I can still go and look at other watches while queueing to pay and change my mind at the very last min. Dar requested to hv an early bdae celebration coz he will be working on his bdae. So we went out on last thur. It has been such a long time that we both spend time together for a day. I din plan any program for that day. Abit bad on my side coz I hv ben too busy to come up with some special on his bdae as compared to last year. We went for some shopping and movie, and later dinner at Ichiban. Dar loves that jap restaurant the first time he went there coz the food is really delicious. After that we went to esplande for a stroll. A very simple bdae celebration. Will do sth special on his catual bdae. But dar likes the watch very much.Phew... Sometimes I think life is so amused. The most stressful part of my job I feel is the daily mrn meeting. Its stressful coz I need to present every mrn. Ya, do presentation!! I will shiver the moment I hear the word 'present' or 'do presentation'. I hated it when its in sch. I thought I can escape from doing presentation after I graduated. Yet I landed myself in a job that needs to do presentation every day. What the... And the director always like to ask qns in the meeting. Most of the time, my mind will be blank and I will give a blur look when asked. To me, I feel that its a torture coz after working thro the night my brain has worn out and I still need to force my brain to think at the last hr before knock off. No kidding. Try staying awake for 12 hrs thro the nite until 8am in the mrn, and c if ur mind can still think properly. Your mind will be very saturated yet blank. I think I hv blog enough. Its time to sleep. I am sleeping very late even during my off day. That is very BAD!! Nitez..

Its finally the mid of jan.
And 6 more working days to my pay day!!!
Frankly speaking, ever since I started working pay day is the only thing I look forward to.
But I hate it the following day after I got my pay becoz...
Its so sianz working the first week after the pay day.
Then I feel much better when the 2nd week come.
The happiness came along when the 3rd week arrives.
Finally the pay day arrives. *Big grin
And the cycle repeats..
I can plot the mood of my working life graph featuring the 4 phases-xi nu ai le.

I am considering to buy a laptop.
I have changed to use my dad computer ever since darling took back his laptop.=(
I cant stand using my dad's antique computer.
Its damn S-L-O-W and always hang.
Becos of that, I have yet to send Sze yeng they all the photo tt we took for the gathering.
Is $1.5k possible to buy a laptop?
I dun mind a 2nd hand one. haha coz I was thinking I might not hv the time to use.
Anyway its not that urgent.
I get feed up but its still tolerable.

This month suppose to be a very happening month. But...
1)Ntu mates gathering at asian bar--I din turn up.
2)Chalet with jc frens at pasir--Need to work.
3)Go back to msia with darling--Went back but too tired to enjoy. Return home on my working day somemore.
4)2D1N Batam trip with gazebooers--All set ready to go but yaya gave me a 'surprise' at the v last min.
This is so sad. What has happen to my life?
Why has it become so no-life?
What I did in my off day is just tuition & sleep.
Wanted to meet frens for coffee but too tired to msg n ask them out.
TIRED.TIRED.TIRED.TIRED.TIRED.TIRED.
As tho I am carrying a mountain on my back and walking up a never ending steep slope everyday.
Its all written over my face....

My life is getting...busier
, more stressful,
monotonous and miserable.
I try to be positive abt life and my current job but the setbacks at work eroded watever enthusiastism I have.
It eroded my confidence and happiness as well.
I feel extremely lousy.
So lousy that I duno how to describe my feelings.

Today I rcv a xmas card from Shiyi, my ntu fren.
The gal whom I went taiwan with.
Nowadays nobody send xmas card.
It feels good to rcv one after so many years.
Dear Shiyi, tts so sweet of u! Thks. *muaaacks
When reading ur card, it reminds me of the days we spent in taiwan.
Thinking back, I find ourselves so funny n silly.
It all started becoz we hv a tight budget constraint.
We tried to cramp everything into the short six days trip.
It was so packed that we hardly hv time to breathe and rest.
And becoz of that we always hv to starve ourselves.
Throughout the trip, we were always rushing for time.
And racking our brains to save and scrimp on food and transport.
Only to find ourselves left with alot of money on the last day. lol
And we hv to racked our brain to spend all the money before we left for the airport.
I dun think anyone will spend their holiday like the way we do lor.
Dun you think we are so silly? lol.
But I dun mind going back to taiwan with u to fillful those tt we missed out on our list.
Oh I am starting to miss taiwan..
You tk care k. See u and the rest soon at Asian bar.*muaacks

I purposely use green n red coz xmas is here!
WISHING U MY DEAR FRENS a HAPPY & MERRY XMAS!!!

Two things to look forward in the month of Dec:
1. Tuition
2. Xmas party with 3 groups of frens

Last mon I was suppose to go for tuition in the evening.
I finished work in that mrn, went to catch a nap and I OVERSLEPT!!
And when I woke up I cant rem I got tuition until my tuition kid's mum called me.
It was so embarrassed!!
I hv to arrange another date again and the mum was quite unhappy.
I was quite upset over it.
I din hear my alarm rings.
Duno why I will be so careless to miss it.
Maybe I am too tired.

Yest was a happy day for me.
Coz I finally met up with my dear gals!
Had a jap feast at esplanade and a nice chat under the starry night.
I love u gals so much coz...
We nv stop reminding each other that we are old.
We nv stop suan-ing each other coz tt is our definition of true frens.
We can nv break the cow and bangedesh curse.
We nv fulfill the program that we hv planned since sec 4.
We cant hv enough of shopping tho we all complained being broke.
We nv missed out the marriage topic.
We nv run out of things to chat about.
How I wish yest night the minute hand will stop ticking.
And now I am back to the depressed mood again. :(
I cant imagine my current life without u gals.
Pls meet up real soon!!

I am so tired and restless now. I feel like going to bed now. I finish my work this mrn. Was supposed to attend a colleague rom lunch at Ritz but I back out last min. Coz I caught a cold last night and was down for flu since 2am. So I decided to go back home to sleep instead. The colleague is my mentor, Eric. Sorry Eric, I choose to rest between ur rom and my sleep. Congrats and blessings!

Eric has taken two days leave due to his rom. And for the two nights I had my first taste of taking the deck phone and monitor the line using my fresh and raw experience. Every time the deck phone rings, I will panic. I am even fear of answering it when I see unfamiliar nos. The caller usually speaks very fast with a foreign accent that leaves me with alot of qns marks after he hang up. I am so slow in catching. Feel so stupid to ask them to repeat alot of times. The MAs must be thinking what a stupid boss they have!

There are endless things to learn and there are times where I feel that my tiny and stupid brain is already saturated but I still keep on stuffing more info into my brain. Even noting it down wun help me. The info scattered here and there. Either I cant find it or I totally forgotten about it and I have to start all over again to ask and be scolded. Luckily I have very nice mentor and colleagues who will be always be there when I needed their help. But one bad thing is that, I tend to be over rely on them.

I know I am stupid.
I know I am slow to absorb.
I know I am struggling very hard.
But I wun give up.
And I wun allow allow myself to fall.
I will keep on fighting.
To prove to myself that I can survive even under harsh environment.